The Danger of a Smile

The danger of a #smile. Just like the saying goes, you think you know but you have no idea. If you look closely enough at this picture, you see a tear trying to well up in my eyelid. I was fighting my way (and my heart) out of an abusive #relationship, far away from home, and with two little precious girls looking up at me. My baby pictured here just woke up from a nap in the backseat and caught me when I was trying to have a private moment to myself to cry. I was about to head into a friend’s event and was gonna pull it together like I wasn’t crying on the inside. I’m not sure where I learned it but I’ve absorbed the habit of acting like it’s all okay. Maybe you have too. And you know what, it helped me survive in my life. I didn’t have a father growing up, for most of my adolescence, I didn’t feel like I fit in, in a highly segregated city and when I became a mother I found myself in an unhealthy relationship with someone from church. I know it’s partly a #survival#mechanism. But if I can keep it 💯 with you, it’s exhausting AF to do this. Some of my closest friends didn’t know I was cleaning houses in New York City to get some grocery money for the week. Society has taught us to look the part. Hold it together. Keep your head up. Don’t let them see you sweat. Keep it moving. Just smile But, man, do you know how tiring that is after 40 years? What feels freeing is to let it go. Let it all hang out. Not give a $hit about what people think. You know what, sometimes, it’s not okay. It ain’t all alright. I give myself permission to say that. I give YOU permission. Now, if you know me, you know I’m not about staying in the #valley and setting up shop. But what I’m realizing is allowing yourself #permission to just be where you are and letting go of having to hold it all together is #freedom. My kids may see me cry. I may not be the highly-positive person you are used to. I may not want to go-do-now like I’ve always done. I can have that. It’s time we decide how and who we want to be. #Life hurts at times. Things are F-up at times. Man, just let that BE. #40#momswinning#igmoms#mystory#justbe#haveyourmoments#stopfronting#takeoffthemasks#acknowledge

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